How To: Go To The Shops

Disclamer:

This is a self-help guide brought to you by The Deliri Trust Foundation, any and all advice given in this publication has been legally approved on all fronts by the official DTF legal board and it's representatives. Any and all advice given in this publication has been composed to fit the general public and it's current perception of reality. Any similarities to any persons living or dead, or undead, or imaginary, or extraterrestrial, or metaphorical, or metaphysical, or hypothetical, or pan-dimensional, or omnipresent, or Alan, is purely coincidental and unintended. If at any point you begin to feel a rising sense of dread and nausea at the realisation of the complete and utter futility of your own pathetic existence in the vast and unknowable gulf of Mexico and/or the universe (as it currently exists); close your eyes, place your palms (assuming you have access to them) flat against your temples (assuming you have access to them) and execute a firm, rotary motion while humming your national anthem. The Deliri Trust Foundation takes no responsibility for the accidental misuse of this technique resulting in the total loss of bladder and colon control, and any and all blood loss and organ failure experienced from thereon out.

Chapter One

Hello. You, having purchased this book (and any of it's related publications available in any good online book store), are in need of help.

Your friends are off living life to the fullest, having babies and reading the ingredients of their cereal. Your parents don't ring anymore, perhaps they've perished in a house fire.

None of the local alley cats returned your phone calls, if you get my meaning.

And then there's you.

Awful, isn't it?

But forget about the crippling loneliness for now, you, yes YOU, are feeling adventurous and you want everyone to know it.

Today, you join the rest of society. Today...

You are going to the shops.

What a go getter you are.

However, not to be a "negative Nelly" as my father used to say before he was institutionalised, but there are a few steps to go through before you even CONSIDER the opening of your front door. Yes, first; we must be as the noble caveman, and gather our tools!

By now you'll have noticed the complementary Blunderbuss and the corresponding ammunition packs this book came packaged with. Now I know what you're thinking; "how the fucking hell am I supposed to carry this enormous fucking Blunderbuss with me to the shops?", well turn to the penultimate page of this very book and you'll see!

That's right! You're now looking at your new very own laminated cardboard Blunderbuss strap! Just punch it out of the page along the dotted lines, connect the marked areas using a Pritt-Stick or some paper clips and you're good to go!

Now for a quick inventory check of the equipment you'll need for your exciting journey!

• 1 pair of black thermal socks
• 1 pair of light brown cargo shorts
• 1 high-visibility jacket
• 1 yellow rubber poncho
• 1 copy of The Official Geographic Shoppery Locator Manual
• 1 pair of high-visibility all-terrain sandals
• 1 tub of cotton buds
• 1 large military rucksack
• 1 pair of DTF brand binoculars
• 1 swiss army knife
• 1 dutch navy blade
• 1 austrian marine cutting implement and other assorted metal devices
• teeth
• 1 x penny whistle
• 1 x blumpet
• 3 x shreewphs
• 5 x funges of various colours
• DTF patented laminated cardboard Blunderbuss strap
• Blunderbuss ammunition (as much as you think you'll need)
• Blunderbuss

Got all that? Excellent. In the next chapter we'll go into the specific uses of these items and the proper techniques involved in the safe and effective deployment of them.

How To: Go To The Shops

Foreword

The age of instant gratification is upon us. A click of the mouse or swipe of the tablet and your every wish will be fulfilled. Technology has rendered the outside world obsolete and our generation is paying the price. Children developing negative attention span due to constant sensory over-stimulation and no one is learning anything because you don't need to KNOW anything anymore, it's all right at your fingertips.

That's where we come in.

The Deliri Trust Foundation.

For years we as a species have sat on our laurels and watched as we physically and intellectually cripple ourselves and future generations to the point where what used to be the simplest of everyday tasks becomes an emotionally charged mess that leaves everyone involved feeling sticky, shameful and slightly sick.

So we present to you, the reader, not a solution, not a quick fix...

But a self-help guide unlike any other.*

A wholly remarkable guide, to set you on the path of learning how to pretend to be a normal human.

You're welcome.

*Except our related publications available in all good online book stores.

Test Post

This is a test. Do not look directly at the post, it is a test.

When testing is complete, resume your scheduled tasks as appointed by your personal Task Appointment Representative.

Any bugs, glitches, malfunctions, dysfunctions, misreadings, misinformation, coincidences, déjà vu or any or all of the above MUST be reported to your immediate superior.

Test complete.